Swimming in the Sea of Life

First two week of second term just flew by... whipping by so fast that I don't even seem to remember school has started.  Weather has been quite weird lately, so it actually feels like I am supposed to get ready for my December exam (Christmas holiday encore une fois!) than "oh... midterms are coming!" I have a horrible midterm schedule!! Can't even go home for Chinese New Year =( but maybe mommy and daddy love me enough to come and visit me... midterms on the 5th, 10th, 11th, 17th then 19th... spanning all 3 weeks and all weekends... registrar is cruel! what can I say?

For the past 2 weeks, God has really opened my eyes to many things.  So much drama and so many emotional roller-coaster rides.  He showed me that I can be a strong person when I rely on Him and that He is teaching me more and more about life and people in general.  He opened my eyes to the many precious friendships that He has blessed me with and the immense love of God and friends that I am drowning in (though I am a lifeguard, but can't really save myself by pulling onto my own hair now can I? =D).  He showed me who my true friends are, friends that will call, email or msn me just to make sure I am feeling better, to reassure me of who I am, to pray for me and with me, to remind me that I am dearly loved, by them and by God.  I also got to experience how supportive my parents and (surprisingly =P) my sister are, how protective daddy is to his little girl, how wise mommy's advices are and how funny Dorcas can be.  All of you guys kept me going and held me in one piece and gave me the energy to go on.  Thank you from the deepest part of my heart =)

Reflecting on what happened to me the past few years... I must agree with some friends, I do have a lot of drama in my life.  Compare to many 19 years old, I have been through a lot and had to live through more pressure/expectations.  Thanks to God, I haven't completely failed yet.  The other day, Tracy asks me (in Chinese of course, no we are not fobs, we are Chinese) if I would rather live a life that's relatively sunny, stormless, easy and happy but boring and uneventful, or a life full of drama, wave tossing you up and down, dangerous, disappointing and hurtful at times, but full of adventure and surprises... I guess I would choose the latter... Being through so much already, all the storms and waves, dramas, laughter and tears... they didn't seem too hard, though it always seems like I won't make it through when I am in those storms and waves... Besides, after the storm, the sky is extra clear and God's promise - the Rainbow, is as radiant and beautiful as it can be... What I went through the last two weeks happened 3 years ago.  3 years ago it took me 6 months, 16 pounds, and 16% in school to make me realize I need God and friends to help me walk through hell.  3 years later, today, it took me 6 hours, many friends and God to get through... see... storms and waves aren't so bad afterall... sometimes they can show you that you are becoming a better and better swimmer =)

Thank you guys, love you all to bits!

First term came and went, exams, christmas holiday, Urbana, new year... all came and gone... WOW...

First term had been a nightmare... i have never worked so hard in my life and still get a mark so low.  But with God's grace, not a single tear fallen for those marks... looking at my average, now I know what I really need to do this term or what i need to do... and the pressure is on.  I have never been afraid for school or scared about not getting the marks I need.  But now I am... in fact, I am really scared.  So many what-ifs float around in my brain, many hypothetical situations of what may happen... what to do? I have absolutely no idea

Urbana was an awesome experience.  I got to experience worshipping with over 22,000 people from all over the world with differnet languages.  We sang in French, Spanish, Chinese, some African language, Korean... it was also mega-awesome to count-down with that many people into the new years... We also study the entire book of Ephesians and learn about unity with our brothers and sisters in Christ.. that we need to look outside of our world and into other less-fortunate people's world... what really touched me was the message by Brenda McNeil.. she mentioned that we shouldn't settle.. "because where you settle, is where you are going to die".  that totally slap me in my face.. having such a horrible term i was trying to find programs or things to do that are easier.. I was ready to settle for something less challenging, less heart-breaking and less-tiring and then she said I am going to die there if I do... Second message that made me flinch was "detoxification"... Rick Warren said that if I don't detox all the crap inside of me then God isn't going to use me.  He doesn't use dirty vessels... and then I keep thinking of all the stupid things I do.  If I want to walk that extra mile with God then I got to first cleanse myself of all these crap in my life...

Back from Urbana, re-newed, re-freshed... learned to appreciate that the choice to eat certain food over another is in fact a blessing, an enormous blessing... learned that education is acutally a privilege even though it's so tough, learned that to be able to worry about the future instead of what to eat tonight is an excess in life... yet when I got back home, reality slaps me in my face, school... marks...

started first day of school, so far it's ok... dropped organic chemistry and took astronomy... it sounds interesting... started reading my pharmacology/toxicology stuff today and I actually like it.. probably because I have taken so many different drugs in my life and now I know what they do in my body...

going through some rather confusing stage... confused about a lot of stuff or rather just one thing... I guess God knows that I hate confrontations and He kept putting it in my face and I absolutely hate it right now... I feel rather speechless cause I have no idea what to say or what to do... I am rather lost... just purely confused... and disappointed, hurt... all the stuff mesh together... doesn't that sound familiar? hardly ate anything for two days now... and I still don't really feel the hunger... weird... yes.. i will watch my blood pressure.. i promised myself i won't let it happen a second time.. don't worry girls and guys, just pray for me, k?

miracle worker

first sem has come to an end... can't believe how fast the past 4 months have been... and how difficult... sigh* all the tears and sweat... so now exam period has begun and i have started massive studying as well... God has been great and I was able to study a lot more than I usually plan to study... just looking at percentages and looking at what i have to get on my finals make me want to cry... i keep telling myself that i need a miracle... and then guess what i read in my devo this morning before I started studying... "You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples." (Psalms 77:14) ...what an encouragement =)

thank you guys for all your prayers and always messaging me from home to see how I am doing... your encouragement is keeping me going as well =D

Good luck on exams!

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3: 17-19

Alongside Us

A mother once took her little boy to hear Paderewski, the great pianist.  At the beginning there was simply a bare stage w/ a spotlight focused on the grand piano and the bench.  The mother and son had come half an hour early, and eventually the little boy got restless.  Somehow, the mother got absorbed in reading the program, and when she finally looked up, his seat was empty!   She looked everywhere around her, and he was nowhere to be seen.

Then... suddenly, she heard the sound of "Chopsticks".  There he was on stage, in the spotlight, picking away on the long concert grand!

"Get him out of there!" came voices from the crowd.

"NO!" cried a European accent from the wings, and the great Paderewski strode on stage.  "Boy, keep going.  I'll help you."

And he sat down on the bench next to the little fellow and began adding fabulous improvisations - chords, patterns, runs and additional melodies - as the two of them entranced the packed house with "Variations on Chopsticks"!

When we pick at our pathetic little prayers - when we live our pathetic littel lives - suddenly we are not alone.  Someone has come alongside us - none other than the Almighty Spirit of God! - and we have moved into a duet of greatness beyond our dreams.

"In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."
Romans 8:26-27

It's so amazing how God always knows what we need... i was just flipping through my Bible and came across this story... this semester has been going pretty badly for me mark-wise... I have never gotten marks this low in my life and right now I am really scared... finals have to be close to perfect, if not perfect score if I want to stay in my module... and "realistically" that's like impossible... and I feel like God's challenging me to trust Him... I just feel this tug at my heart that He's telling me, if I want you in this program, I will give you the mark, no more, no less... and I know I should trust and I do trust... but I can't help but have that little bit of doubt and that fear the grip my heart and won't let go... so many "what if" questions go through my mind and rather than spending that energy on studying more, I spend it on freaking out... and it's so bad... sigh* I am just trying my best right now, doing homework and making notes and I will just surrender all of it to God because it is totally out of my control and I don't know what more can I do...

Through this I also get to experience the love of my parents... I checked my biochem mark and it was... uh... not very good, but praise the Lord, I pray before I checked and I ask Him to give me peace in my heart no matter what the mark may be... and sure enough, when I check, I was upset, but I also have this unnatural peace in my heart... and then I called daddy and let him know... and all he did was encourage me and tell me not to be upset... he's like "if you are so upset, and so stressed all the time in this program, I would rather you not be in it... I don't want to always hear you upset when you call home, I like it when you laugh"... after hearing that, I can't help but just started crying... cuz I was so touched... I don't know if I would rather them yell at me than to spoil me like that... and apparently daddy was so worried that he got mommy to tell me to go home this weekend, and I am going home =) dorcas already asked me to drive her to the mall for shopping spree...

Sigh* home and parents are always good =)

Finally finished all of the hard-core exams... biochem was last night at 7pm... 100 multiple choice.. omgsh by question 70 i was like.. i can't go on anymore, starting to lose focus and words just fly right through my brain... and then at the end of the 100 questions... gotta go back and double check... exam was okay i guess... it was harder than i thought it's gonna be actually... hopefully it won't be an orgo mark again... this time i think i would... cry... the protein purification questions totally threw me off... i didn't expect that many of them... i keep having to guess the answers based on like common sense or just... probability... so sad... the exam centre was freezing as well... OMG!! my hands were totally frozen and we were not allowed jackets... so dumb.. grrr them.. but anyhow, just really glad that it's over...

went to the music building with simon afterwards since i figure vck wants some private time with her lover =P... simon.. u can really play OMG... after listening to him play, it just feels like my ARCT diploma is just... a piece of paper... ooops=( and he tested me on chords and stuff and made me feel even more dumb... hehehehhee...

nothing much's been happening, just studying and can't wait till english midterm is over... 5 essays and  half a novel to go! yay!! heheheh...went to GTA this morning... and talked about the fruit of the spirit... one thing the pastor said really got to me... he said we always "ask" God for the fruit of the spirit... "God, please help me to be patient... God let me be more loving, so that I can love this person..." etc... but then the fruit of the spirit isn't a gift, it's something that's supposed to grow in us... God isn't just about to throw us that fruit and voila! we are self-controlled... that really hit home for me, cuz I always ask God for patience... but then I guess instead of handing out the fruit, He put me in situations where I will have that fruit grow in my characters... teaching swimming was definitely one of those situations =)

can't wait to go home this weekend... been away from home for a month now.. this will be my third time home... WOW... aren't you so proud of me sugaR*? hehehehe... last year i went home at least twice a month... kinda home-sick once in a while... calling home always cheer me up =D hehehehe... Tori!! can't wait for "you-know-what" =)

for those that are still doing exams, good luck!! =)